I was annoyed with Steve last week for something trivial; the type of thing that probably (definitely) wouldn’t have annoyed me had I gotten more sleep the night before. I was rested enough at least to know that my anger was unjustified, but tired enough that I didn’t stop the snarky texts I could send him from entering my head. In this particular instance, I’m happy to report that not being a jerk won out, and after my morning nap (during which the issue suddenly disappeared) I was very relieved not to have to shamefacedly mutter out an apology (*sigh* again) once Steve got home from work.
I forget when this thought came into my head (though I’m willing to bet it was post-nap), but I found myself thinking, “You know, you’re going to be with him a long time, aren’t you?” “Well obviously that’s the point of marrying him”. But the more I thought about it with myself, I realized that more often than I like to admit, I don’t act as if I plan on being with Steve for a long time. If I truly was acting like we’d be together 5, 10, 50 years from now, would I still want to send a snarky text when something trivial came up? What would our marriage look like, even in a couple of years, if that were the case?
It’s easy to treat each day as a separate Thing, completely disconnected from the rest. But the truth is, our days are all connected, building on one another to create something much bigger than their individual parts. Steve and I are creating Something together every day, and whether it ends up being something lovely or not on its completion, depends on how we choose to live on the individual days in the meantime. This is true of all our relationships. You are creating Something, with everyone you know. Someone suggested to me once to think of it as painting a picture on a canvas together.
Do we treat people who are in our lives for the long haul, as if they are truly in our lives for the big picture result? Or are our petty vindications and emotional reactions sending a different message? Is my spouse my lifelong partner, my love, my future, my completion? Or someone I am tolerating (at least for the time being)?
What does a garbage bin that needs to be emptied look like, when it’s seen in the big picture of a 75-year-long marriage? I think it will look a lot bigger on some canvases than others. How much room would you want that taking up on your canvas?
In times of not enough sleep, too much work, or whatever other reason you could use to excuse your behavior, let’s not forget tomorrow’s big picture that’s being painted with these little moments today.
Emily Boss 